Three Funerals But No Wedding

Today is Mother’s Day and I have been on a long walk. All day I have carried a huge sadness in my belly. I guess this is grief and some days are heavy and weary. The first funeral (this is like a Richard Curtis romcom with no Hugh Grant) was my fathers and I was warned that my grief would be “unnatural.”  I’m no expert so I have no idea what that actually means. People asked me if I had cried and I said no, not for him, just for me. Then my darling chihuahua had to be euthanised and I lost my fur baby and soul mate. Huge noisy sobbing - that would be the “normal” grief then? 

Darrell, my father-in-law is probably the complicated grief, not in his relationship to me which was close, wise guidance and easy company, but in the way his death got entangled in the coronavirus news story. I suspect this is the weight I am carrying. So many difficulties arising as the rules changed daily. We had to find a second funeral company, the first thought we were high risk. The paperwork took over a week. We think the death certificate was altered, 1a and 1b had to be swapped over. Officially Darrell died of a kidney infection which due to Covid-19 the hospital could not treat. To us he died of coronavirus. Medical debate versus how it felt. Our new funeral director has been fabulous. Then for a day we did not seem to be able to bury or cremate. Now we can cremate, but tomorrow the rules may change. It is exhausting. 

The Wedding? Well my friends had to cancel their wedding next week. It’s not a great end to the story is it? I agree I do need to improve the ending!

I keep going on yoga, wine and work. Work is a blessing x

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