On Saturday I went to HM Manchester Prison, known to Mancunians as Strangeways, to research new work on domestic abuse and violence. Governor Knight is known to be forward thinking and permitted an artist to work inside the prison and to use forbidden camera equipment! I create portraits but what happens to a person when they choose the space they are photographed in? Might they offer a different version of their self, how much does our environment influence our identity?
Armed with lots of questions I checked in through security and had an awful moment when I could not remember if it is safe to put film through an x-ray machine. My supervisor and protector Paul Hollis was not at all amused insisting that if my rolls of film could not go through full security they were not entering the building - I guess I will learn the answer when I develop them. It was hard to argue with three armed men when they had taken my belt and my jeans were slipping off!
Once I had got my kit and shoes back my current muse Sarah arrived. Sarah survived DV and used to take extra shifts as a nurse at the prison to escape her home. She chose this venue insisting that for her it had represented security, a safe world of authority and order. I’m exploring these narratives and trying to work out how my work can promote debate. Do we need to see the prison or will the subject reveal something from within herself just by owning this space? I know she was trapped inside a marriage but it is important to avoid cliche.
My last series of work explored transgender narratives and was studio based using natural light. Initially it was very strange to have the world stripped back to a grey wall with only the subject to gaze at and work with. I’m looking at this - and wondering what the aesthetic of the DV project will be? How will the images work as a series, how to link them visually whilst exploring many different stories.
Like “You Brought Your Own Light” this work begins with me. Do we ever really understand another person or their marriage? As a child I thought my parents were normal, as a teenager I saw the families of my friends and taking refuge in their homes I understood that to fight and hate was not the foundation of relationships. My friends did not sit in the darkness of the landing at night listening to a battle below. They did not hold their breath or cover their mouth to stay silent. I think the violence that I could hear, but not see, drives me to make these images. My dad died just before Christmas but never felt that his behaviour was wrong, ” I should have left years ago, all women love me, they all say I’m the good guy, there’s something wrong with her, I’m the real victim; not you.” I do not believe he could have answered my questions. So I asked the prison officers, “Tell me about men who are violent? What makes a man beat a woman?” They asked, “Why does she stay?” I do not think that society asks the right question: Why did he not stop?
One shoot for Unseen Community will be of Zea and her baby. She is a single mum by choice, she was advised to do so by her doctors and I feel she is very brave to take this step. I checked in with her this morning as her due date was 21st June so she is overdue - but babies come when they are ready don’t they? Unseen Communities is a year long photography project and I am to explore the narratives around same sex parents and more diverse families. Matt had originally asked me to photograph, the moment the baby is handed to the mother and we want that vulnerable, raw celebration of birth. There are several issues around this though, Zea is a high risk pregnancy and she may not feel comfortable having me with her whilst she is in labour. It’s tricky because if I wait days to photograph her the work may be more cliched and pleasant with set safe poses. Obviously Zea and her baby are more important than a photo shoot. I have to be patient and shoot when she is ready.
Matt sent me a link this morning from an article of a birth of a baby with both Dads present and helping. Now I understand why the birth is an important story for some gay men. They may long to witness and to help and to hold the baby and cut the cord. To be there for their child from the first moment. This is a large part of my job - to listen to the stories of others and find my way to document them. As a photographer I need to practise empathy and see a story from the perspective of another.
My focus this year is photographing the daily life of families. I want to see what ordinary life looks like and have set myself the challenge of creating art out of the chaos of everyday life. Plus I get to play with fabulous parents and their splendid children! So most of my work will be capturing the moments that tell your stories and finding the light I obsess about.
I have decided to work on my art based family project too, and this ties in with my commercial work. It is actually a kind of relief to know that I must work over and over on one thing until I have work worthy of winning something big - okay you know I’m ambitious and I want my work to be art - but why would you pay for the mediocre? You want to know that I shot the moments that will bring a tear when you look back. I am trying to revive the family photo album. I worry that all we have is digital and what happens if we loose it?
On Mother’s Day I saw many posts on Facebook about Mum’s and lots of old photos. I love digital but there is something so poignant about those old phots that I have of my Gran and she looks glamorous and fun. I’m not sure I remember enough of her without the print in my hand. When I hold the phots I remember her scent and the tone and rhythm of her voice. I want to make books for the families I shoot. Or ribboned boxes of prints.
Below is a poem by Yeats. I love his work. He wrote this for a woman but it could be a poem for all of the people we love who grow old with us. When he writes “book” I think of a photo book. Enjoy!
When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;
And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
W.B Yeats
Yesterday I sat in class all day learning about fundraising and writing my artist statement. I nearly didn’t go because writing about my work scares me! Honestly I stood by the front door debating it. I had to submit a draft artist statement in advance - so I sent the press release that journalist Dominic Walsh wrote. It turned out that the teacher wanted my own version!
To help Laura Robertson set us lots of 5 minute exercises and they were fun, a riot of imaginative writing and nobody to point out the errors in structure, spelling and grammar. I was free to write erotica, longings from the heart, critique a photo, it was so creative and suited me to play with words as I play with images.
Well the big news was that I actually wrote an artist statement all by myself and then decided to read it out loud. I’m not ready to share it yet with you, but I had expected to freeze rather than write. I think Laura tricked me by making it risk free to be honest.
In the afternoon we had more fundraising training. All art is made for free. If you need to pay the mortgage and put food on the table, pay for the exhibition or book you have to hold the digital equivalent of a jumble sale. So Monika Neall - the super woman of bid writing came to drill us. She is an Impact Consultant and was very keen to tell us which pitfalls to avoid. If I do my book of Trans Portraits how can I measure the change the book will create? If I don’t do the book, what does the world loose? Really big questions and a new way to start thinking about my bid.
Answers:
We would lose a document of trans people in Britain
If 48% of trans people consider suicide we need a record of those who live and build meaningful lives as nurses, doctors, accountants, the stay at home Dad, the man who runs a charity for the homeless, the scientist who is saving lives, the war veteran.
Yet by 5pm I was worried. You see I cannot think of a way, as yet, to be paid to work on this project. So it’s back to squeezing it into my spare time or pushing it to the back of the queue so I can focus on earning the minimum wage. Despite Redeye- The Photography Network offering first rate training, I am still searching for solutions.
If you can help do get in touch!
I have never presented work at a conference before. First time on the big screen, first time speaking with a microphone. Have you ever stood up to present your work? I thought my voice would sound weird to my own ears with the mic (it didn’t) or that I’d rush ( in my notes I used a symbol to remind me to breathe- another to remind me to click!). I find these experiences empowering, standing up and owning my work makes me proud of it; and me. I once spoke at the House of Lords about youth poverty, I was so scared that I nearly threw up. Yet I wanted to stand up and own that work too. It is surprising what I will sometimes decide to do; but I find it exciting.
If you know me, reading this will surprise you because I am filled with self doubt. Yesterday I spoke at Redeye’s Hothouse ‘19 in Leeds. If you have a book out, an exhibition, a body of work you may present it. Last year I sat in awe of the people speaking. They had such diverse and fascinating projects and some had spent years on their work. Redeye are a photography network who record aggregate and share current practise. They offer training and support with tonnes of super events and I have attended events where some of the big names in this world lecture. You do not need to be an art or contemporary photographer to go though, the audience is filled with people who just love this craft and find it a pleasure or a hobby.
I find it inspiring and I learn a great deal when I look at other peoples work - I feel humbled, to see how people are challenging the world, tackling political issues and creating art with images.
If you go to redeye.org.uk you can try out an event. They have a lot coming up!
